I Envy (Kickstarter)

I found myself sitting on the bed going over the conversation I had had with her just over an hour ago. She was so calm, so ok. We have known each other for years now. Seen each other go through all sorts of ups and downs - all through which, she has always managed to just stay positive, so strong when it comes to her emotions. I guess one only envies what one does not have. I have managed to be someone very much in control of my emotions. But when it comes to relationships - I am a big, fat, mushy mess of a person who can't control the amount of chocolate she eats or her anxiety.

I have always wondered how she can detach herself so easily from situations. How is she so calm. How is she able to move on from anything? But more importantly, why am I not?

People always portray competition to be a bad thing. I have thought the opposite. I have always found myself to extremely competitive, but never jealous. The concept never made sense to me. But it wasn't until I fell in love that I realized how insanely envious I was. I was envious that I put so much in my relationship and I never got enough back but she could get multiple people wrapped around her finger at the same time. Envious that I could never really move on from a relationship, but she could move on like nothing had happened. Envious that I couldn't separate my relationship from the entirety of my world, and she could switch the relationship on and off when she wanted. It made her so much happier, so much more content. She knew what she wanted to do in her life. And me? I have never been able to take any decision on my own without asking someone. She has always been so self-assured, and I have lacked the confidence in myself.

I say envious, because I have worked so hard on making myself such a strong person. I push myself until I am the best at what I want to be. But somehow, I cannot get myself to be a stronger person within, someone who is more confident in herself. I see that in her, and I feel the sting. I feel envious..