A Letter..
Anna looked at the piece of paper she had neatly torn from her notebook. She had just gotten off the phone with her dad. There were so many emotions going on in her head. Love, embarrassment, guilt, a bit of anger, frustration, but most of all, remorse. The way she had lately been talking to him was never something she had imagined, not in her wildest dreams. But here she was. Alone, with a child, her studies, work, personal issues, relationship stress and her school. The whole pandemic situation had added to her workload. She also had to play teacher. Sometimes she thought there were not enough hours in the day. She had to do it all alone. In a country where she did not have any family. And sometimes she just couldn't deal with it, so she would lay down and hope for the day to end. She needed and escape but she was torn between what was expected of her and what her mental state currently allowed her to do, which wasn't a whole lot.
Anna found herself playing with the charm on her pencil. She wanted to say so much but words failed her. So she had resolved to inking her feeling on a piece of paper she hoped would tell her dad a little bit of what she couldn't.
Dearest papa,
I am writing this letter to tell you how much I love you. I know my behavior lately has probably shown the contrary, and I am not even going to try to justify it. I know as a daughter I have failed lately in how I have talked or expressed my frustration. But the big girl in me sometimes tries to play it cool so I snub your concerns. I do not want to trouble you. I do not want you think I am not handling it all.
I have always wanted to be the son you never had, and so I have always tried to hold it together. To make it seem like I have it all under control. And I did. Until I couldn't.
Sometimes I just need some time to breathe. I have been in such an overdrive the last 4 years and there are things I have not talked about. Things I do not want to talk about and keeping it all in has made me bitter in ways.
My way of dealing with it is to not talk about it and when you do, I automatically go in the defense mode where I have to act as if it is all taken care of. But you know me so well. And you ask. And you ask. Until you catch something that doesn't add up. And then I do not know how to react, so I hang up.
I know it is not what you expect of me. As a parent you should not have to deal with a child taking their frustration out on you. It is wrong of me. But sometimes I feel like I am not even myself. I am so many things at the same time that I have no time to be me and that is tiring. It is extremely exhausting, papa and I am tired.
You mean the world to me papa and I can not fathom the thought of walking on this earth without you or mama, ever. Being so far away from you guys is the hardest thing I have had to do. I do not say it often enough but I love you. I just wish you trusted me a little with the decisions I have to take and that I will have to take without your permission because I am the one going through this. I know you want your daughter to always come to you for help but she has grown up now, and although she still needs you as much as she did when you used to take her to learn bicycling, where she wouldn't take her eye off you until she knew you wouldn't let go, but some decisions she has to make on her own. I hope this letter can tell you how much you mean to me.
Love and always,
Anna
As she took a deep sigh, a tear drop marked the paper. She felt lighter, as if she had let some of the storm within out. As she closed her eyes, Anna crumbled the piece of paper and threw it in the bin.
Anna found herself playing with the charm on her pencil. She wanted to say so much but words failed her. So she had resolved to inking her feeling on a piece of paper she hoped would tell her dad a little bit of what she couldn't.
Dearest papa,
I am writing this letter to tell you how much I love you. I know my behavior lately has probably shown the contrary, and I am not even going to try to justify it. I know as a daughter I have failed lately in how I have talked or expressed my frustration. But the big girl in me sometimes tries to play it cool so I snub your concerns. I do not want to trouble you. I do not want you think I am not handling it all.
I have always wanted to be the son you never had, and so I have always tried to hold it together. To make it seem like I have it all under control. And I did. Until I couldn't.
Sometimes I just need some time to breathe. I have been in such an overdrive the last 4 years and there are things I have not talked about. Things I do not want to talk about and keeping it all in has made me bitter in ways.
My way of dealing with it is to not talk about it and when you do, I automatically go in the defense mode where I have to act as if it is all taken care of. But you know me so well. And you ask. And you ask. Until you catch something that doesn't add up. And then I do not know how to react, so I hang up.
I know it is not what you expect of me. As a parent you should not have to deal with a child taking their frustration out on you. It is wrong of me. But sometimes I feel like I am not even myself. I am so many things at the same time that I have no time to be me and that is tiring. It is extremely exhausting, papa and I am tired.
You mean the world to me papa and I can not fathom the thought of walking on this earth without you or mama, ever. Being so far away from you guys is the hardest thing I have had to do. I do not say it often enough but I love you. I just wish you trusted me a little with the decisions I have to take and that I will have to take without your permission because I am the one going through this. I know you want your daughter to always come to you for help but she has grown up now, and although she still needs you as much as she did when you used to take her to learn bicycling, where she wouldn't take her eye off you until she knew you wouldn't let go, but some decisions she has to make on her own. I hope this letter can tell you how much you mean to me.
Love and always,
Anna
As she took a deep sigh, a tear drop marked the paper. She felt lighter, as if she had let some of the storm within out. As she closed her eyes, Anna crumbled the piece of paper and threw it in the bin.
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